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Warning: Do not continue onward if you would like to remain ignorant to the painful truths of our existence. I wish I was
still ignorant of it all, so this is why I warn you.
11-3-01
Topic: Life is a long dark road to nowhere
If you really sit down and think about
it you will realize that there is no point in our lives at all. We are born unto this earth just to leave it. What then? What
was the reason for your 75 years or so on this earth? Was there really a point to your life? Was there really a point to anything?
The answer is "no". There is no point to my, or anyone else's life. Say someone develops a cure for cancer. So? Since life
is pointless anyways, anything developed to preserve it is also without value. Thus, there is no point to anything. Every
passing day, every passing second brings you closer and closer to death. Where the FUCK is the joy in that? Say you go out
and have the best time of your life at a party and then come home later, wishing it hadn't ended. But it did, everything has
an end, because underneath it all, everything SUCKS. You will never relive your best moments in life, so what is the point
in having them anyways? Nothing, but everyone wants to enjoy themselves, even me. It can't be helped. Even though I realize
how pointless everything is I still want to be happy. Deep down inside me a little voice is telling me "This is pointless,
why are you enjoying it? It will all be over in a few hours and all that will be left is a memory". No matter how much I try
to ignore the voice it will always come back when I'm by myself and have too much time to think. All it takes is half a minute
alone to be reminded of how this will all be over soon and then I will have nothing. I try to keep my mind occupied with more
pleasant things, like how many years I have ahead of me. But then I see that there isn't as much left as I first thought.
I am 17 now. Another 17 years later my life will be half over. It's just downhill from there. Another pair of 17 years later
and I will be dead and gone. It's not very nice to have that on your mind 90% of the time. Sometimes it gets to the point
where I wish I had never existed in the first place. I would have no mind to be scared by the painful realizations of existence,
I would have no heart to be broken, I would have no body to cause me physical pain, I would just be nothing.
12-20-01
Topic: Life is still a long dark road to nowhere
Rather than starting on a new topic I am going to expand my thoughts
on the previous entry.
Despite how lame I think Linkin Park is, the lyrics to the song "In the End" can relate to this
topic rather well. If my sources are correct, they didn't write those lyrics, but that's beside the point. Just listen to
the lyrics closely the next time you hear the song.
All I can think about as of late is how pointless this all is, and
how it all leads nowhere. I come home from a visit with my friends and then remember how I was just there, but am not anymore.
Just think of anything that just happened and then think of how that moment is over, and you'll never expereience it again.
When you break it all down, the present is basically non-existent. Think of it; as soon as something happens it's over. There
is no increment of time that can possibly measure the fraction of a nanosecond that the present occurs in. The only two intervals
of time that truly exist are the past and the future. But how much of the future is actually left? As the past increses in
size, the future decreases rapidly. Eventually time will probably cease to exist all together. I mean, is it that irrational
to think so? Time came into existence from nothing, so what says that it will not in turn return to nothing, just like every
living thing in the universe? And just think, that every second of your life brings you one second closer to your death, be
it tomorrow, or sixty years from now. The point is; Time is the biggest asshole in the world, and if time were tangible I
would kick its ass.
4-19-02
Topic: I know it's been over a month, but you know what? I don't fucking give a shit.
This month is most likely more depressing to me than it is to you, so just...I dunno. I don't know what I really
mean anymore. Everything seems so meaningless to me now. I find myself wishing that I never existed.
There is no reason for me or anyone to live. I'm not saying that I'm going to kill myself or anything, I'm too afraid
to. I don't know what awaits me after I die. Sometimes I hope that there is another life out there. Sometimes
I hope there is nothing out there after I die. That way I won't have to exist at all. And sometimes I can't help
but wonder if everything that I experience in my life would exist without me. There is no way to be sure. I have
no way of proving that everything else in the world is just a part of my own personal reality and will cease to exist once
I leave this world. This brings me back to the thought of not existing at all. I try not think about reality too
much, as I tend to get on the verge of tears everytime I do. I become saddened by the fact that we live only to die.
That it doesn't matter how happy of a life you led, that you'll just be dead anyways. Everything that you have accomplished
will mean nothing. I'm pretty sure that I've stated this in a similar manner in one of the previous entries, but, as
I said in the title, I don't fucking give a shit. This is all I have been able to think about lately. I spend
a lot of time either bored or alone, and most often it's not by choice. In that time I always think about this.
Evertime I do I want to die. I want to just stop existing, make all of this shit go away. It will all go away
eventually anyways. Sixty years from now I'll most be on the verge of death. Even if I had led the most boring
life imagineable and would die alone it wouldn't matter. I would be no less dead than the person who had led one of
the most exciting lives ever. I'm young right now and only want to live a happy successful life. But that will
only make me want to die less. If I had led a terrible life I would welcome death as a release from everything.
Maybe the key to everything is not living a happy life, but living a miserable life. I know that I'm going to try and
live a happy life, even though it is completely pointless, but it is basic human nature to desire happiness.
That is one of the largest weaknesses of humans. The human race is so pathetic...it sickens me to be a part of it.
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